Many of those who know me know that I’m not always the easiest person to understand, or even get along with, for that matter. Like anyone, I have my quirks. But in order to help any current and/or potential friends understand me a little better, here’s what I think to be a pretty thorough guide in the process.
1. Expect me to never share my food with you. That’s not to say I won’t share my food with you. Just don’t expect me to. I hate when people assume.
2. While we’re on the subject, I can usually always be bribed with food, most specifically, pizza. If there’s free pizza involved, count on me being there.
3. I don’t function properly before 10 AM and without coffee. Take special note of this one. I don’t care what you could possibly have going on. I’m not waking up early to do it.
4. This is a give-take-relationship. Mostly, the kind where you give me your food and I take it.
5. I only befriend people who are more physically unfit than I am. That way, when the zombie apocalypse comes, I can trip you.
6. FYI, I don’t cook and I’m not gonna learn. Just as I require my theoretical future husband to be able to cook, any friends must be able to do the same. Honestly, I can’t be expected to survive on my own.
7. Netflix marathons are a must. If you’re not capable of sitting on your a$$ for 8+ hours while blankly staring at the TV, I suggest you back out now.
8. Understand, my dog, Lily, is an excellent judge of character. If she doesn’t like you, I certainly expect I won’t like you either. Additionally, any potential friends are required to like, nay, love Lily. She is my ultimate bestie.
9. I hate wearing pants. Consequently, I can’t always be expected to wear them. I frequently walk around the house in nothing but underwear and a t-shirt. I feel it’s only fair to give this disclosure.
10. I am a huge nerd. I have no problem admitting that I’ve seen and/or read LOTR, Harry Potter, and StarWars. For your own good, it’s best if you understand any and all references to these sagas. Otherwise, it will be ugly.
11. You must be willing to look less attractive than me (girls, specifically) in the presence of hot men, for reasons I don’t need to explain. This is possibly the most important rule of all.
12. Again, if you’re a girl, it helps if you wear the same size in clothes as I do. Sometimes, a girl needs a little help outside her own wardrobe.
13. When you are baking (cookies, brownies, cakes, etc.) always plan on giving me first dibs of the mixing bowl and spoon. This is non-negotiable.
14. Two-for-one deal on food? My opinion is necessary.
15. I’m probably always poor. Plan on spending most weekends at home in front of the TV, where I don’t have to spend what little money I have.
16. Accept that it’s very possible your parents (especially your mom) will come to love me more than she loves you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I can be very charming.
17. You must be willing to keep any secrets I tell you, even if that secret is that I secretly like T-Swift’s music… What? She’s catchy!
18. Doing laundry? Throw some of my stuff in there with it!
19. I am in complete, irrevocable love with Robert Downey Jr. Not only must you encourage this obsession, but you must also plan for the day when I do finally meet him. On that day, I will need one heck of a wingman/woman. Plan on being up for the job.
20. You are not allowed to have big news or special occasions on the same days that I have big news or a special occasions. Your birthday is on February 23rd too? Change it.
21. A true friend must be willing to kill zombies with me, both in real life and fiction.
22. I love a good horror movie. Unfortunately, they’re not much fun to watch when you’re by yourself. Insert yourself into this situation.
23. I will openly admit that I consider social media creeping as a favorite hobby. If you’re not willing to creep on someone with me via social media, I don’t see this working.
24. I regularly enjoy Gossip Girl marathons. Anyone who doesn’t get as emotionally invested in the fictional lives of Blair and Serena doesn’t belong in my life.
25. Above all, understand that though this must seem like a high list of demands, this friendship with me does go both ways. Naturally, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t offer the same things to any of my friends that I asked in return? Though I may be highly demanding at times, I would also do anything for my friends. A friendship with me is a lifetime commitment.